*where the cities have no name, still building, then burning down love

click this to enlarge picture..

I wonder,
Is this the feeling that I will always encounter once I move to the city? Or is it just the temporary butterflies plaguing my stomach that happened to move up from my stomach to my heart and head?

I was born to adapt to seclusion. But these days, I wake up from my bed and feel loneliness creeping to my head. Being in solitude in my own house, locked in my room, on the chair – in bed – on the floor, has left me comfort. Because I know that when I walk the hallway, food is on the table prepared by my mother. Soil tracks mark the hallway floor from my father’s. And the computer is right on by my brother. Comfort is around because I know that I can call a friend, five minutes away from me, and meet me for dinner.

This made me stop and think. More than usual. My surroundings blurred with the thought of being surrounded with many in a city but still being alone. That the closest interaction I may have is a tap on a shoulder by a stranger telling me to walk, as I stop dead-lost in the middle of the street. A thirst for caffeine would now be a journey for a friend who once waited for five minutes after my invitation. It would suddenly be a eighteen pesos fare and an hour of commute for a familiar face and taste. That I would be walking alone, going somewhere alone, eating alone, in the middle of the day – not because I normally choose to but because this time, I really am alone.

Half of me understand that this is the common scare, creating hesitations and uncertainty of what is about to come. Of living in a city. Of living alone. Of living away from the usual comfort of parents, friends, and common support. The closer July comes, the reality of numbers – facts – bills – situations arouse. Day by day, I build up this confidence that I am not going to falter, that I am not backing down, that this is what I needed, wanted, chosen. That I can struggle to live on my own and to live for myself. This is what I have been talking about for the past two years – the flight away from home – the welcoming of the strange. And this scare, this common scare, is the reason for many to back away and to discontinue. I promise myself to never fear the scare. To not fear the uncertainty. But to be thrilled of the openness and the liberation. To take everything as it comes. To not be afraid of struggle, but embrace it. Because with no guts, there will be no glory.

On the below message, I tried to post from above the long message.. I tried to think on how to write I mean to express my own feelings.. :)


And uhm, I made a CBEA logo. CBEA means College of Business, Entrepreneurship and Accountancy in Miriam College. This is a new department of three courses. This logo will represent in the CBEA contest. I would rather join it hahaha.